It has finally hit you that the End Times are approaching. Good for you. Acceptance is the first step in surviving the tortuous existence about to come. For those of you that shudder at the mere thought of losing digital cable, broadband internet, and Spongebob Squarepants action figures, I have compiled this brief list of things to consider while preparing for The Final Battles and The Final Judgement.
Preparing for World War III
More likely than not, things are gonna get pretty bad. I mean REALLY bad. Look at the economy after a couple of planes hit some buildings. When the full-scale war comes were talkin’ total economic meltdown. The legacies of Sam Walton and Bill Gates will cease. No more delivery trucking, no more electricity, and no more of those Listerine breath mint strips you buy next to the cash register at the gas station. Get it? Good! So here is what you need to know:
- Find a good rural hideout. The woods and mountains will be packed so it’s best to get the best seat ahead of time. Remember that these hideouts will be obtained on a first-come first-serve basis.
- Plan your hideout route well in advance. Remember, the highways will be jammed should any major city be attacked. Scout out good back-roads to your hideout destination.
- Should you be unable to obtain a rural hideout, you may want to begin turning your current home into a suitable one.
- Read some old hippie survivalist books. Everyone will have to rough it once the war reaches it’s peak. The firemakers will be as Gods (So horde those lighters like mad).
- Stock up on Beef Jerky and Spam. Protein sources are likely to become scarce and that shit last forever.
- Remember to stock up on pornographic magazines. Once the electrical grids are hit, MTV and Cinamax will be things of the past.
- If you’re not single, then you or your girl should try to obtain a large mass of birth-control pills. The last thing you want to be doing is squeezing out babies during a nuclear winter.
- Also stock up on plenty of books. It will probably be hard to find a generator to run your Playstation2 and computer, much less the gas needed to run the generator, sad as that may be to contemplate.
Get used to playing with rocks and sticks and ENJOYING it.
- If you are not in school or in a socially important job you may want to injure yourself to avoid being drafted. Just remember that you may have to fend off looters and schizophrenics once the war gets going really good. Adopting a flamboyantly gay lifestyle and calling yourself “Bunny” may help you to avoid combat as well.
- If you start to freak out and get depressed or psychotic over the looming end of the world, just remember Gilbert Gottfried, Martha Stewart, the 2002 MTV Video Music Awards, or “Freddie Got Fingered”. This should put things in perspective.
How to pass the Standardized Judgement Day Exam, should you survive WWIII
If you’ve made it this far then congratulations. However should you fail this next exam, the consequences will be far more grievous than all the days you just spent without watching the Daily Show. The following is a list of things you should remember when cramming for the Final Exam:
- Before Judgement Day is eminent, try to give all your expensive non-practical possessions to the meek. This way, should you pass the Exam, you may be in-line to inherit some primo real-estate. Plus the true meek will seem a little less meek than they would have and thus may garner much less inheritance leaving more to you. But, in order for this to work you must completely convince yourself that you are giving away your stuff solely for the benefit of the meek ones to whom you are giving it. Otherwise, God will peer right into your soul and see your selfish motives.
- Just to be safe, you should do one of two things: a) ascribe to every major religion. Then when God asks you why you did this just say that you figured that he was probably too powerful to have been behind only one of these religions. If you can’t do this then at least pick up on some Buddhism, as it tends to cover most of the moral bases while being somewhat amoral (not immoral) at the same time. b) Make up your own religion consisting of complex physics and cosmology (one that seems consistent with your own limited understanding of the Universe). This way you can claim that you were only trying to use His most precious gift to you: your brain. Of course if you use physics in your religion, remember to somehow weave some basic morals into your new belief system just in case there is a question on right and wrong on the Exam.
- Whichever religion you ultimately choose, you should immediately try to start feeling bad about everything you’ve ever done that conflicts with your belief system. Consistency is an important component of this exam.
- Don’t guess. Chances are you will have points taken off for wrong answers. Use the process of elimination first.
- BEFORE Jesus arrives with the Exams, be sure to call up everyone you’ve ever felt hatred toward and tell them that you love them. This will help minimize the amount of evil your soul has accumulated.
- Remember to FULLY blacken in the circle corresponding to your answer. Incompletely filled circles may not be read correctly.
- Make friends with a few Jews, Muslims, and Christians. You never know what kind of references you may need to provide.
- Bring some extra pencils in case Jesus doesn’t bring enough.
- Just in case you don’t pass the exam, you may want to start increasing your threshold of pain. Start with small needles and work your way up to full-fledged flames. The sun is only about 11,000 degrees Fahrenheit and the fire and brimstone of Hell is probably similar to this.
- IMPORTANT: Make your answer choices wisely. There is no going back over the exam. All answers are eternal.